The Circumstance: A day off from work
Normal Reaction: Relax, spend some time at home, maybe go out with friends later.
My Reaction: Sit at home wondering what the hell normal people do on their days off, go online to research what they do, scoff at the mundane nature of what they do, and wind up watching seven hours of Science Documentaries on Netflix.
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The Circumstance: The Superbowl
Normal Reaction: Go to a friend’s house, bringing chips and beer so you can cheer yourself hoarse rooting for your favorite team.
My Reaction: Go to a friend’s house, bring chips and beer so I can puzzle over how no one else sees that two dozen men in tight pants tackling each other trying to grab a ball is quite possibly the gayest thing our culture has ever produced.
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The Circumstance: New Year’s Eve
Normal Reaction: Go take your New Year’s date to see dinner and a show. Count down the last ten seconds to the New Year, and drink some complimentary champagne.
My Reaction: Go to work, serve people dinner, perform in a show, stay after until they count down to the New Year, then serve complimentary champagne.
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The Circumstance: First good snow of Winter
Normal Reaction: Take the day off to throw snowballs, ride sleds, and have some good old-fashioned fun.
My Reaction: Euphorically throw myself in a face-first belly-flop into the largest patch of untouched snow I can find and lay there for as long as I can. (I call it “snow-diving!”)
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The Circumstance: Cat rubs against your leg and purrs contentedly
Normal Reaction: Pet the cat, scratch behind its ears, and send it on its way.
My Reaction: Demand to know what the cat REALLY wants, pick it up, and toss it onto the nearest couch in a flurry of fur, claws, and fangs.
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The Circumstance: Receive the compliment “You look good/smell good/shaved nicely today”
Normal Reaction: Smile and say “Thanks for noticing!” then carry on with a spring in your step.
My Reaction: Smile and say “Thanks for noticing!” then worry that I don’t usually look good/smell good/shave nicely… otherwise, why would they take the time to comment on it? Is it a subtle hint that I should bathe more, take better care of myself or invest in new razors? Is everyone whispering behind my back about these things but are too worried about hurting my feelings to tell me straight out??? OH GOD I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Then throw myself out of the nearest open window.
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The Circumstance: Driving to work
Normal Reaction: Watching cars going the opposite way whiz by as you’re caught in the morning/afternoon rush hour.
My Reaction: Laugh maniacally as I speed down the road opposite to the poor 9-to-5’ers who are caught in the morning/afternoon rush hour.
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The Circumstance: Going to the supermarket
Normal Reaction: Stop by after work, pick up milk, eggs, and bread.
My Reaction: Stop by after work, realize that the supermarket closes at 11:00 PM, go home, sleep for six hours, wake up early (around 10:00AM,) go to supermarket in pajama pants whilst still half-asleep, pick up coffee creamer, cadbury eggs, and (for some reason) one of those gigantic crossword puzzle books in which I’ll do five puzzles, get stuck on the sixth, and throw out the whole thing.
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The Circumstance: Roommates go on vacation
Normal Reaction: Enjoy having the house to yourself, maybe have a small get-together of friends to keep you company.
My Reaction: Panic. As my roommates are my only continuous source of human contact, and now their house, our house, is totally under my supervision. Should there be a fire, an earthquake, or a UFO crash that damages the house, it is completely my fault. (Don’t give me that look, it IS my fault if any of those things happen.) I don’t allow anyone over lest something break that I have to garnish my wages for the rest of my life to repay to my former friends who kicked me out of the house for allowing everything to go to hell while they were away.
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The Circumstance: Doctor asks “Describe the pain on a scale of 1-10, with ten being the worst pain possible”
Normal Reaction: Describe your sore throat at about a four; inconvenient, but not debilitating.
My Reaction: Contemplate on what the “worst pain possible” could be. Have visions on terrible tortures from the Spanish Inquisition mixed with the Saw movies, only with everything covered with fire, and everyone barefoot on a floor covered with sharp Lego pieces. Curl up into a fetal position on the examining room floor and describe the same sore throat as a “0.01”
